Helpful social skills for international students

      As social psychologist Richard Brislin observes, people in an individualist society (North America) need some “social skills” that are less important in collectivist societies (China). People everywhere can use social skills, of course, but the kinds of situations they encounter and the skills they need may vary.

         Social skills that will help international students in the North America include the following:

• ATTENDING TO PERSONAL HYGIENE
  
  
          Many students from other countries are struck by the Americans’ strong sensitivity to body and breath odors. Americans may quickly back away from a person who has "body odor" or "bad breath," and they are likely to try to avoid that person in the future.
          If you want to avoid these negative reactions from Americans, you may want to consider:
  • brushing your teeth two or more times daily
  • changing your clothes each day
  • taking a shower in the morning before going to school
  • taking a shower in the evening if you plan to be in public

              An especially sensitive topic among Americans is women’s body hair. Most North American women shave the hair in their armpits and on their lower legs. Many Americans react negatively to the sight of a woman with unshaved armpits and legs. Women from countries where shaving is not the custom face a very personal decision about whether to follow the North American custom.

• MEETING PEOPLE

          North Americans have typical ways of finding people to talk with and perhaps develop relationships with. Chinese students can use these same approaches.

          You cannot meet new people or develop a social life if you spend all your time in your room, the library or laboratory, and classrooms. You need to get yourself into situations where interacting with new people is a natural thing to do.

          Attend social activities such as receptions, parties, picnics, and open houses, where people go with the intention of socializing. 

          Attend public events such as lectures and performances, where you can talk with other people who share your interest in being there.

          Join an organization based on some interest of yours—academic, avocational (that is, related to a hobby such as photography or dancing), sport, service, or any other. Take an active part in the organization. Be on a committee; help plan an event; do things to enlarge your chance to be around other people.

          Volunteer at a campus or community organization that uses volunteers to carry out its activities. The local public library can be a good place to start, either to volunteer there or to get information about other possibilities in your location.

           Find a mentor, someone who will agree to spend some time with you regularly, sharing activities, talking with you, answering your questions.

           Once you find people to talk with, you will need to be able to introduce yourself to a stranger and have some conversation topics ready. Introducing yourself normally involves looking the other person in the eye at least briefly, smiling, and saying something like, “Hello. My name is XXX. I am YYY.” For example: “Hello. My name is Zongxuan. I am a commerce student.” Or, more informally, “Hi. I’m Bill Clinton. I’m a retired president.”

            If you are a male meeting another male, you should shake hands with the person. Females may or may not shake hands, based on their preferences. If a female offers her hand to shake, you should shake it. Generally, North Americans regard a “firm handshake” as a sign of sincerity and a “weak handshake” as a sign of a weak personality.

            Usually, Chinese names are hard for North Americans to pronounce. When it happens, be ready to help them. “It’s pronounced like ‘Xuan.’” Or, “You can call me ‘Claire.’” Many Chinese students use English-language names so that Americans can remember them and pronounce them more easily.

            Once you have given your name and heard the other person’s name, you need to have some conversation topics ready. You can use one of your prepared topics, or you can simply follow up on what the person you just met says about himself or herself.

•    MANAGING CONVERSATIONS

            Once you have located someone to talk to, you need the skills for what linguists call "conversation management." These include the abilities to start a conversation, continue a conversation, and end a conversation.

            One common way to start a conversation is to ask a question based on what the person has told you about himself or herself. For example, ask Bob if he has taken any interesting trips lately. You can also use one of the common American “small talk” topics--the weather, whatever it was you had in common that brought you to the place where you are talking, or some current event. You can ask about one of your prepared topics. Or you can say something like, "I am new here and am not sure what to talk about in a situation like this. What would be a good thing to talk about now?"

             Be aware that North Americans do not have the idea in traditional Chinese culture, that it is impolite to ask too many questions when two people meet for the first time. On the contrary, Americans and Canadians consider it natural and appropriate to ask and answer questions when they meet a new person. In their minds they are not being rude; instead, they are showing their interests. The new person, to show interest, is expected to ask questions too.

             Probably the easiest way to continue a conversation is to ask the other person questions based on what you have learned about him or her, or on something he or she has just said. Of course you can add your own opinions or information.

             To end a conversation, you can offer some reason for closing the conversation. For example, "I want to get some more to eat." "I need to meet a friend now." "I see someone over there I have been looking for." Then express a common phrase for conversation-ending, such as "I enjoyed talking with you." Shake hands again if you shook hands when you first met, and then walk away.

• DEVELOPING RELATIONSHIPS

                 In my experiences, North Americans are usually cautious about getting into close relationships with other people, including other North Americans. They value independence, privacy, and self-reliance. They generally do not want to become dependent on other people or have other people dependent on them. This contrasts noticeably with the Chinese orientation, in which interdependence with other people is generally considered necessary and desirable.

                 In principle, developing an intercultural relationship requires sensitivity to a number of factors, including:

1. the reasons people are seeking relationships in the first place
2. what it is that draws people toward each other
3. the pace at which relationships can comfortably develop
4. the steps or phases in relationship-development, that is, what people do and talk about as their relationship becomes closer
5. the limitations people put on the extent of their involvement in other peoples’ lives

• SOCIAL DON'T

                 North Americans will generally tolerate a fairly wide range of behaviors, but there are certain things anyone dealing with North Americans will want to avoid.

                 Do not ask about personal financial matters such as the cost of something a person bought or the amount of a person’s income. Chinese may readily discuss these matters, but Americans regard them as intensely private.

                 Do not ask other people, particularly women, how old they are or how much they weigh.

                 Do not argue too vigorously (with raised voice and conspicuous gesturing), or North Americans will assume you are too opinionated, are unable to “control yourself,” or might become violent.

                Do not accept an invitation to go to someone’s house and then not go. If you genuinely cannot or do not wish to go to a home to which you have been invited, say “no, thank you” to the invitation. Do not say “yes” and then fail to appear. Nor should you take a friend with you unless the friend has also been invited. When you receive an invitation, you can ask, “May I bring a friend?”

                Take care not to emit strong body or breath odors. Once, my Canadian friends "put off” by the smells of garlic and cooking oil that surrounded me. And asked me what did I eat for lunch. So we need to often follow bathing, tooth-brushing, and laundry habits that will minimize these odors.